Today very well may have been the most embarrassing day of my life.
To understand the end, you must understand the beginning. I have put 7 hours of training in within 2 days, trying to front load my week and stay ahead of the snow storm. With that said this morning’s 2 hour run in 12 degrees was not to bad. It wasn’t too bad aside for the fact that my water was frozen by mile 4 and my Gu froze too.
So picture me chomping on 100 calories of frozen lemon Gu while trying to pry open the top of my Fuel Belt flask to get to the water inside. I can’t say I was successful. So I resorted to grabbing handfuls of snow, hoping no dogs peed in it, and then convincing myself there must be nutritional value to dog pee if indeed I did unknowingly ingest some.
So that leaves me arriving home in a bonked state. In a time crunch I decided to grab a quick shower (and forgo my morning coffee in a 60 minute shower…… ) and head to the mall. I have an idea for Valentine’s Day and I am about attaining the goal. As I walk through Dick’s Sporting Goods I feel like I am in the bonk tunnel, things look fuzzy, I am dehydrated and not refueled from my run but I only have so much time to get this done.
I have never been to Victoria’s Secret and I can now say I will never go there again. With that said know that what I am about to say does involve Lingerie but is completely clean.
Rumor had it that VS had the most comfortable pajama pants in the world, for men and women. Silk, fleece, you name it, I was told that they had it. So I thought that a matching pair of jammie pants would make the perfect gift for Curt. Of course!
“ARE YOU MARY EGGERS?????? ” I hear a female voice screech as I entered the door. Can’t say I have ever been recognized in a store before, I felt alarmed and I should have gone with that instinct. As I looked around to see who it was, I realized that VS was full of men, and I was the only female.
“Oh my God!” says this tall blond woman, who obviously works there. She’s dressed to kill, and she’s up close and personal. “I used to take your spinning class, I see you on TV all the time, and I am such a fan!”
A Fan? What is she talking about?
“I ran a marathon last summer and I am training for my first triathlon… ..” After that I don’t hear what she says as I am feeling slightly sick and falling further into the bonk tunnel.
I need to getsomething to eat…….. I tell her that I am there for the pajama pants I keep hearing about.
“No, No No No!” she grabs my arm and leads me to the back of the store where strappy nighties are suddenly surrounding me. “You need something a little more….. seductive… . for that husband of yours.”
My heart rate enters zone III.
“I know exactly what you would look fabulous in.” Oh my God, I think, maybe someone will rob the store and I can run away. She throws a little pink nightie at me, tells me to hold it and proceeds to take off my coat.
“This would be perfect on you.” It’s small, see through and pink! I need to get out of this situation……..
“I…… um…. ” I begin…
“Nonsense” she throws up her hand “You wear less fabric than that in front of thousands of people! Think of how your husband will react when he sees you in THAT.”
He will probably laugh his ass off lady. But I am really tired, and I am really mortified, and I really need to get something to eat. I feel dizzy.
“Just try it on and see what you think.” She leads me to the dressing room. Oh my God.
So suddenly I am in a small dressing room by myself with this little pink thing to try on. I feel like the only way out is to try the damn thing on, and what the heck. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I need a little spice in my life. Maybe I need a little satin and forgo the coolmax for a day…..
So I slide it on. Realizing my hair is soaking wet from my shower, I flip my head over. I don’t want to get the fabric of this thing wet. So I tie my hair up on top of my head, and in one quick swooping motion, I stand back up……. too fast! Too fast!
I saw stars and then I saw black. The next thing I know I smell ammonia, my eyes open and I am on the floor in VS’s, about 10 people standing around me, I had passed out! I am half in the dressing room and half laying out of it.
“Are you all right?” The mall security guy asks me.
OH MY GOD!
“I am fine!” I say realizing I am in this sheer nightgown thing, and I have just passed out in VS!!!!!!!! !!! I jump up. “I had a long workout this morning, I am so sorry, I am fine…..” I slither back into the dressing room where I overhear my sales girl explaining to the crowd that I am a triathlete.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god……… I have just become the psycho exercise addict who passed dout in a lingerie store!!!!!!
I throw my clothes back on, I profusely thank everyone for their help and I apologize for making a scene, and I quickly excuse myself from the crowd and the store. With no gift in hand obviously!!!
I am so bright red I feel sunburnt. I make my way over to EMS, where I feel at home again.
I can’t believe that just happened. I need to eat. So I grab Curt a fleece vest and some wool socks and a few PowerBars.
As I get to the register one of the employees begins to ring me out. Another comes through the front of the store returning from a break.
“Hey Joe” he says “I heard some girl just passed out in> Victoria’s Secret!”
“No way” he responds, laughing. OH MY GOD! I can’t get to the car quick enough with my revised gifts and my head hanging low, stuffing the Power Bar into my mouth. I am so completely mortified I don’t know if I am going to laugh or cry.
So of course I laugh.
Now you can understand a good 200 reasons why nutrition during and after a long run is important, why Vs’s is a store I should not be in, and how to handle yourself with grace. Yeah, grace!