Mary Eggers

There are two classes that I neglected to take in college that would have helped me more than any other piece of my higher education. More than physics, more than underwater basket weaving, more than the 10K of yards I swam daily throughout my life. Two classes.

Lego building

General toy assembly

 I have been wrestling with a &$#^% Buzz Lightyear (Ultimate Buzz Lightyear) for the better part of a day now. I can’t get this thing’s wings to deploy. And I am even using words like deploy in regards to Buzz Lightyear. I have googled, asked now, yahoo searched, turned to FaceBook (where I actually get 99.9% of my advice, which is actually great advice). We pressed every single button, pulled, twisted, shook, bounced and still these damn wings will not deploy.

That wasn’t even the beginning of the struggle. Nothing says why the hell did I buy this more clearly than this:  as an aside……….My husband believes that this particular model (He was not cheap, let’s just leave it at that) wings don’t deploy.

For what I paid for this damn thing he’d better fly around the world with me on his back.

Seriously….. why on earth does he need to be so secure in his package (don’t answer that). Is he actually going to come to life when the lights shut off in the store and you need to prevent him from running around Target with his friends all night? Do you think this will actually prevent someone from stealing this? I am no expert but I am pretty certain that when someone sets their mind on stealing something, they will get it no matter what you do to prevent it.

When you buy a television they give you a 250 page book to accompany it. When you become a parent they wave goodbye and say “Good luck” as you exit the hospital.

What they really need to let you know is that upon the birth of your baby your life has become “Some assembly required”. In your hospital brand diaper bag should be a Phillips screwdriver, one of those small ones because now every time you ever have to change a battery in anything….. you will need it. one that clips to your pants would be ideal please.

You should also be given a lifetime supply of AA batteries or at least a starter set of rechargeable ones. My aunt used to have a part-time job at Target where she lived, she worked in the photo department. Each time someone brought in a  disposable camera for development there was an AA battery in it. She saved them all and each Christmas for several years she’d bring us the AA batteries she’d been saving for a year.

SAVED.ME. SAVED.ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The third and possibly most important thing they should equip you with is some sort of wire cutters to cut the irritating twist tie things made of freaking steel as shown in our first exhibit today. Because what the hell are those things about? Again, bolting down a toy…. WHY?????

Because on Christmas Eve when you are trying to assemble things to be ready for the morning…… you realize at crazy o’clock late that your mom’s singer shears aren’t going to cut it. Or she’ll kill you for using them. Because Walgreens…… is not open.

When we have our children we expect that they will need diapers. That we will need clothes, blankets, binkys, special props, special bolsters, special seats, cribs, swings. What we don’t expect is that to build a toy train you will need to keep track of 550+ interlocking pieces and not only need a degree in physics, but a pHd in structural engineering as well.

At some point you may find yourself watching a talking sponge under the sea. You may see a show called Bing and Bong and not think a thing about it. You will build, disassemble and rebuild. You will be able to calculate the rate of falling ice cream to white shirt before the cone is ever in his hands. You may spend $6 on three colored rubber bands that are shaped like shoes when they are not on the wrist. You will spend an entire afternoon inspecting and searching the internet for exactly how do these wings pop the hell up information. Because you will not lose to Buzz Lightyear.

You may find yourself in a store stuffing your own bear and then choosing shoes for that bear.

You will likely go several years before ever seeing a movie that does not involve 3D glasses, talking animals, or cartoon characters. Is Harrison Ford is still alive?

It’s not about the things you expect that make being a parent so amazing. It’s the things you least expect that cause you to relish in the news that you will be that parent. The smile through tears. The surprise on Christmas morning. The getting back up when learning to walk. The giggling over senseless things, the viewing life form a whole different viewpoint thing.

Those quiet moments when they give you a hug and say I love you. For no reason at all.

It makes it all worth it. Times a million.

I might now have a spanish speaking and dancing Buzz Lightyear whose wings i can’t seem to deploy……. but what I have is something more to laugh over. and that’s worth every metal twist tie in the world.

And sadly….. because you are just dying to laugh even harder over this miracle toy, today you will be willing to call Bangla-freasking-desh to chat with someone about how to get these wings to deploy. However will you all sleep???

We had a beautiful Christmas. absolutely beautiful. One of my favorites ever. My sister lives in Paris, she and her husband were here last month…… the only thing that would have made it better would have been if they had been there. We spent the morning at home, visited with Curt’s mother and then shuffled off the Buffalo to spend the day with my parents.

Much of the afternoon was spent assembling a Lego train set.

Grandfather and Grandson hard at work.

Curt, Luc and Grandad

It’s funny, all of the years I spent in their home…. which was my home…. were filled with so much torment. Not because of them, I couldn’t have asked for better parents. They were always there, even when time and time again I pushed them away. They were always there for me. They never turned their back, even when they probably should have. Throughout my eating disorder they would do whatever they could, whatever would help….. it was really too bad I outright refused help.

They stood by me when my life fell apart a few times. A few dozen times through all of that. I remember one day, at the bottom of the barrel, the lowest point of my entire life…. laying on the couch in the family room. Watching TV ona  Saturday afternoon with my Dad.

He would often just say nothing. Everything had been dissected. I was home from the hospital for some reason related to my twisted eating disorder, recovering….. again. I distinctly remember feeling so supported. And it was then, right then and there that I made the decision to get up and change my life.

You think I am the way I am by accident? You think I found yoga because I wanted to sit atop a mountain and meditate? I found yoga because I didn’t believe in anything, least of all myself. I found yoga because I had nowhere else to go. I found yoga because …. I don’t even know. I do know it led me out of some very difficult places. Some people ask me how it is that I “have my life together…” I don’t. No one does. We are all a work in progress. I just learned some horribly difficult life lessons at very early ages. I am no different from anyone else. I have been there, done that and just like you….. I got myself back on my feet. A few times over. When something comes up, because it happens in life, we will go through the process again.

But something happened to me when I stepped on my mat for the first time. I didn’t have to think, dissect, try to figure out why, align a behavior with a buried theory or something from my childhood. I was just a plain old f*cked up girl who had run out of places to ruin herself. On my mat it didn’t matter why. I could finally just not think. It wasn’t not thinking to run away from, it was not thinking…. to run towards. I learned how to feel. It was like a spark was lit and slowly became a small flame, and now it burns bright within me.

My husband gave me a beautiful necklace for Christmas…….

Karma: What goes around, comes around

I am a believer in karma. I am a believer in chakras. I rarely talk about that kind of stuff, I don’t spew it when I teach yoga. It’s there for you if you want it. But I found healing in this stuff. It taught me how to believe in something bigger than myself. It taught me to have faith again. As strange as it sounds…. it is what helped me find my way. I needed something to believe in, so I believed in what was around me. 

My mother gave me a jewelry box for Christmas. It might be my favorite gift. Believe it or not I have a lot of jewelry. Most of it is fimo triathlon symbols on leather straps, seashell necklaces, and rings made out of wood that we got in Hawaii. They aren’t fancy pieces but they hold incredible memories for me. And for my husband. I now have a jewelry box of pendants, gems and seashells that are worth next to nothing in cents….. that are absolutely priceless in what they mean to me. Along the way of my life random people have handed me things when I needed them most, allowing the continuous flow of the circle of karma to keep on going.

I don’t typically wear a lot of jewelry…. mostly because when you work in a hospital you can’t, and spend the other half of your time sweating, it isn’t practical. Lately with my new position I have been pulling it out. My grandmother’s necklace. The wooden ring from Hawaii. The necklace from New Orleans that four of us share.

These pieces as I said….. they hold a story. There is a reason I hold them close, there is a reason I keep them near. There is even a reason my wedding ring and my engagement not only don’t match, but are not even of the same metal. But that’s our story, our reasons. Our memories.

My mother gave me a place to hold those memories and stories. They’ve been hanging on hooks and residing in mugs for years. every girl should have a treasure chest of sorts. I don’t yet have a daughter to pass this down to, and if I never do I have a son who will hold these memories for me when I am gone.

Right now in my life believe me I am holding on and holding on tight. It took me a very long time and a lot of work to get to this moment. It’s not that when we arrive here that we stop and say ah-ha…… and we no longer have to do anything. We cherish it, hold it tight, and we keep on striving to live our life the right way.

I feel bad for those who strive to live the perfect life. Perfection isn’t real and all that teaches you is that you fall short. Those who strive for perfection are never truly happy. They are always reaching for perfection and miss right over the perfection of imperfection. Besides…….there is only one being who is perfect, and his birthday was yesterday.

For me rather than looking for perfection…. because it’s impossible…. I try to live a life guided by faith, karma, spirit. It’s my own way, I created it myself. Right now it’s the right way for me to live.  I don’t live so people talk about what I do as being good….. whether it’s work or life…… I live so that when I look in the mirror I am comfortable with the company I keep. And I am.

Life will never be wrapped up in a neat little bow just sitting pretty on the shelf. The lessons we learn along the way prepare us for what is to come, and prepare us to teach our children what this world is about. We keep the circle going, around and around and around.

Merry Christmas everyone.

At the end of every yoga class I teach, while students are still in savasana I read a passage from a book. My book is old and tattered, held together by rubber bands. If someone asks me for a reading and we don’t have a copier available, I tear it out of the book and give it to them.

The other night at the candlelight yoga class I turned to dec 25th, as the book goes in order of days. I had torn it out and given it to someone.

My dear friend Sister Rosemary (the running nun) sent it to me. It’s perfect for Christmas Day. So I shall pass it along….. thank you Sr. Rosemary…… and at the end of today’s post a little video of Luc ready for Christmas Eve!

Remember Faith
 
There is a church in New Mexico where the ground is said to be holy, sacred, healing.  As I sat in a pew in that church, I was amazed at the numbers that flock there.  I watched one many carry in his sick wife, a woman so ill she couldn’t walk or stand by herself.  They came to pray, to touch the holy ground.  They came for a miracle.  I sat, watching and listening, in awe of the tremendous power of faith.
 
Many things in life test us, strain us, deplete us, and sometimes leave us without hope.  Yet, there is a place in us where the ground is sacred and holy.  That place in us is called faith.
 
Remember faith.  It’s important.  Without it, life is dull, useless, and joyless.  We may have moments when we say, What’s the use?  Nothing will help.  We may go through times when we’re angry at God and don’t want to believe anymore.  But faith has the power to transform us.  Faith can instill you, bring peace, and restore a sense of acceptance and fulfillment in our lives.
 
Faith is a simple place, but it is also a place of profound power.  Faith can turn our lives around.  Faith may not bring us the miracle we want, but it will always bring us the miracle we need.  Cultivate faith, touch it, hold it in your hand.
 
In the back room of the Sanctuario de Chimayo is the ground that’s said to be holy and healing.  Visitors are invited to take some with them.  I scooped up a portion, just a tiny bit, placed it in a small plastic bag, and put it in my Jeep.
 
Faith.  You don’t need much.
A little bit goes a long, long way.